What am I doing here?
Seriously… What the hell am I doing? Does that even matter? Today, just now, I’ve realized something amazingly important. I am hopelessly lost.More importantly, I am hopelessly lost, and it’s giving my life meaning. I may never know where I’m going, but I know how to get there. It’s a strange, uplifting sensation to realize that my ignorance of the universe is what fuels my quest for knowledge. Currently, the endless cycle of curiosity and learning is what gives my life meaning.
I’ll bet you thought this post was going to be about why I code. This is a perfectly understandable assumption given the title. In a twisted sense, everything in my life is about code. Programming is the most effective path to knowledge I’ve found to this point. Programming has given me a part of life which I could never have hoped to have before it. I’ve gained unimaginable experiences, met friends across the world, and traversed the mysteries of the universe. From the human brain to radio waves, I’ve accumulated knowledge of subjects across the board.
What I am doing here.
I’ll admit my motivations for programming are not limited to academic purposes. Programming is the only way I feel I can truly express my thoughts and emotions. Seeing people interact with something you’ve spent countless hours creating is a truly rewarding experience. Even if the whole project crashes and burns to the ground, it’s an experience you’ve shared with another person. Even if there’s only a glimpse of the project before it closes randomly and crashes your computer, you’ve shown someone a little part of you. That’s something that rarely happens for me.
It’s often hard for me to convey emotions to other people. I have a difficult time talking to people and judging how they will react. This leads me to avoid talking to people I’m less familiar with, and keeping conversation very shallow with the people I do know. When people see my work, they get a glimpse into my true self. They can see who I truly am, and often I find that they appreciate that person. With so many people who don’t understand me or what I do, it all becomes clear when that compiler finishes and the program boots. It sounds silly, but sharing the product of countless hours of work is the most frightening, rewarding, and powerful experience I’ve ever had.
My life goals
I hope that some day I will be able to share my work with the world. Perhaps eventually I’ll be able to make an impact towards a better future. At the end of an optimal life, I will be remembered for the person I express through code, not the persona I express through conventional language. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to explain who I am without code.
P.S: This post was written at 3:22 AM. Please excuse any typos or melodrama